Would I do it all again?

I love my kids, I really do!  But lately I've been wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I do it again?  Being a parent is hard.  Being a single parent is harder still.  I know, I know, this is the life I chose but when I encounter these problems with my kids (Amanda in particular) I am not 100% sure I am the right parent for them.  Not that giving up is an option!  But still, when Amanda's therapist is talking about hospitalizing her for a psychiatric evaluation (at age 11) because she is threatening herself and others I don't know how I can handle it.  And it is likely to get worse.  the hoarding, the lying, the stealing, the defiance... I feel sick. She can be so sweet and helpful, when she chooses, and sometimes it lasts for a few days.  But most times it is one battle after another.
And then I think of my poor Ben.  Little man stuck with all these women.  How will that affect him?  I worry about his size. I want him to be able to be confident in himself and to be able to stick up for himself becasue I worry he will be teased because of he is so tiny.  He is so funny and sweet and my heart aches when I think of him hurting in any way.
And oh, my Cait.  funny, I don't really worry about her too much.  She is little and cute and very likely to stay that way. :-)  but I am such an old mom for her.  I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. What was I thinking?!  She is so strong willed and Amanda has taken all the fight out of me.  What's going to happen when Caitlyn gets older and I just don't have the energy.  I don't want her to be a spoiled brat. 
I know this post is very negative, but this is where I am at right now.  I used to be so sure that these adoptions were a blessing to me from God.  I was so sure that I could be a good mom.  I thought I would be better at it.  I love them, and my heart aches and my eyes tear up when I think of not having them.  We are so not what I wanted my family to be and I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe my next post will be more positive.

Wow, it's been a while!

I have no excuse really, other than being busy. but the holidays are here again and we have had a tough season.  Things are not going well for Amanda, I am struggling with my job and being a single mom and now i am taking classes to finish my bachelors degree (finally)Everyone has been healthy and  Ben and Cait are back in daycare since my live in help left on short notice.  My mom got a new job and now works evenings so she can't help with the kids.  i am feeling overwhelmed and anxious.  not the things I want to feel this special time of year. sigh.  I am trying to focus on trust ing God with all things, but I am feeling very alone and maybe having a pity party for myself.  so after the new year hopefully things will get better.  For now, here are my little darlings. 

the First day of school

School

Everyone is in school.  Amanda is in 6th grade this year.  I cannot believe it.  It has not been an easy start for her.  She struggles alot with turning things in and being prepared and being responsible.  I have already had a meeting with her teachers after 5 detentions in three weeks.  *sigh*  I am simply at my wits end.  We have had changes at home too.  My niece (who lives with us) who was helping me by watching the little kids and getting everyone on  and off the bus gave me very short notice that she got a job and couldn't do that anymore.  Needless to say, I was not very happy. 

So now Ben and Caitlyn are back in daycare.  They went back to the same place I had them before so they are comfortable and happy. I know everyone there and the routine so I am ok with it.  Except for the money I now have to shell out for daycare.  :0(  very bad.

But, Ben and Cait are also in pre-school this year.  Caitlyn goes to daycare at 7:30 am and the bus picks her up to go to the school at 7:55 am.  She gets back to daycare at 11 ish and stays the rest of the day.  She seems to like it very much and is really tired at the end of the day which I like come bedtime.
Ben goes to daycare in the morning and the bus picks him up at noon ish to take him to school and brings him back when school gets out.  He doesn't get a nap, so by bedtime he is exhausted.  Again, good for mommy.

I hate the new routine and would like a new job with better hours and more money, but so far that is not happening.  I am sad and frustrated and tired.  I am continually reminding myself that God will provide, but I am struggling financially and emotionally right now to see that happening.

Friends

Ben has a best friend. He has the same name, he goes everywhere with Ben and I mean everywhere. he eats dirt, sleeps outside, goes swimming with him., rides in the car. he is not however allowed to eat at the table or go inside church with us. And Benjamin Bear has been to the "eyeball tower"

Ben's "Eyeball" tower

I got home from work the other day and my builder boy said to me "Mom, come see the eyeball tower I built!" he led me to his room and this is what I saw. It took me a minute to figure it out..... he built the Eiffel Tower! This boy will go far.

SICK

My Caitlyn is sick. :0( She as been complaining for a week that her tummy hurts. Randomly, she will just start crying and holding her stomach. She has been refusing to eat or drink and today I had to take her to the ER because she started vomiting. My poor little girl. She has had blood tests, x-rays, ultrasounds and stool softeners and her tummy still hurts. We are off the her regular doctor tomorrow then we will see.................

It's been a while

I have been a bad blogger, but since no one really reads this thing I don't feel to badly about it. :0) to say that we have been busy would be true. My kids are still cute and funny and do a lot of things, so why haven't I captured these memories in cyverspace? Plain old laziness. Amanda has been busy with camps all summer. We have had one wedding(so far), one family reunion, one going away party and this weekend, my long lost brother is paying us a visit. I'll update that later.

There is something going on though. I can't say what it is right now, because I am not sure. I feel God beginning to stir something in our lives. I just read Crazy Love by Francis Chan and am ashamed and motivated at the same time. I need to do something. I have felt this for a while, and have come close to acting on it, but fear is a powerful enemy. I'l keep you posted (pun intended) on any developments. But for now I will leave with one funny from Ben:

"mommy, maybe sometime can I have the gate (guardrail) on my bed, because little boys are round and they roll"

Summer

summer is in full swing....... Amanda is busy with all sorts of camps, Ben and Caitlyn are still home (for now) with Becky. the baby went home. Is it weird that even though I was exhausted all the time, and I don't want 4 kids that I miss him? I praying for a change. I need a change, for the better, the extreme. I am tired of the status quo. I just feel like something needs to change for us and I am very frustrated that I can't figure out what it is.

It's been a while.

I can' believe it has been 2 months since my last post. So much has happened! Well, there was Easter, Caitlyn's birthday, Mom's birthday. I got a new foster baby, drove to Indianapolis when he was 5 days old (what was I thinking). Amanda is almost done with school, thank goodness. It has been a busy, exhausting spring. here are a few pics to illustrate.

Where I'm from

I found this great idea on my friend Gretchen's blog. Here is my attempt.

I am from bikes and tennis on the blacktop road; from Ball jars, Ford station wagons and Saturday morning cartoons.
I am from the old blacksmith shop with the tumble down shed in the back; from well water and gardens.
I am from the Lilac and the Weeping Willow.
I am from oyster soup and new pajamas at Aunt Pearl's on Christmas Eve; the Smith blue eyes and the Culumber chin.
From Merle Arlene and Pearl Lorene; from Butch, Bud and Peewee; from proud Irish and the salt of the earth.
I am from hard work and hollerin; whippins and hand me downs
From "Were you born in a barn?" and "Don't make me pull this car over."
I am from churches with steeples and wooden pews; from "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace"; from organ pipes and bells that ring at noon.
I am from city and country, from Kings Road and Garden Valley; from green grass and roling hills; cornfields and dairy cows.
I'm from Mac&Chees, mashed potatoes, divinity and grandma's noodles.
From chocolate pudding thrown in my eye by a brother who begged me not to tell; from the strawberry cleaning water fight and the goldfish that got "cooked" in a bowl on top of the stove.
I am from photo albums with black paper pages and white corner tabs; from graduation pictures in frames lined up on the wall. I am from cedar chests and cigar boxes holding memories and tresures for generations to come.

My poor boy

Ben had to have a tooth pulled today. :0( He has had a cavity for over a year now and I have been waiting for the adoption to go through so that he could be on my dental insurance. I am still waiting.... He developed an abscess last weekend and I knew I had to do something immediately. I called the Dr. and got him some antibiotics and then called the pediatric dentist I want to use and told the caseworker I didn't care, I would pay for it myself, but the tooth had to come out. The dentist is great, but she said that it was the worst abscess she had seen in a long time and the rest of the dental work (yes there is more) will have to be done in the hospital so he can be put out. I feel like a terrible mom for waiting so long but he will feel so much better now. He did ok, but it was a very bad way to start a Monday.

My kids do the weirdest things

They like to put their little chairs inside the laundry baskets and sit in them to watch TV in my room.

What does sunshine smell like?

My boy is curious and funny and asks the silliest questions. Today he asked Becky (my niece and current babysitter) "what does sunshine smell like" she told him it smelled like worms and grass. "ok, can I ride my bike now" was his response.
He smells everything. food, his feet, soap... you name it he smells it first. the other day he was helping me make cornbread and told me it "smelled like dead" whatever that means.....

Playing in the snow

Caitlyn hated it, Ben loved it. Cold but FUN!

My Free Spirit

Amanda has recently begun to exert her sense of fashion. She is particularily fond of skulls. Not what I would choose for her, but who I am I to judge. I remember what I wore in the 80's. :0)