Summing up July

It is too hot!   The end.

ok,  there was a little more to it, but not much.  It really has been too hot to do anything.  The kids are bored, I am bored and we can only go to so many "field trips" to the sporting goods store, Target or the library just to get out of the house. 

Fortunately, school starts in a month and the other day we went school supply shopping (just to get out of the house).  I almost cried at that total with three kids in school*sigh*  I am still looking for a job and hope to be back to work when the kids go back to school.

Bean is growing and doing great.  He had an EEG in June and it was normal so the neurologist is having me wean him off the phenobarbital and so far so good.  He is up to 15.7 lbs at six months (not bad for a failure to thrive baby)  His mom has only visited one time in the past month even after she threw a fit to have her visits reinstated. Court is ... today.  Hopefully, someone will call me and let me know how that went.  although I am not holding my breath.

Amanda has been taking Zoloft for a while now and I see some improvement, but also some other bad behaviors are coming to light.  Ugh.

So far summer has sucked.  It has been too hot to do anything, not to mention no money for vacation and having the baby makes just getting up and going a little more difficult.  We have done a few fun things,(see pictures above)   but I am hoping next summer is better. 

Feeling blue

Sometimes being a single mom of four kids sucks. Sometimes dealing with two kids who usually get along but today they fought. all. day. long, sucks.  sometimes dealing with a 13 year old with RAD in a rage sucks (ok, that one always sucks).  Having to do EVERYTHING myself really sucks.  I know I signed up for this and most days I am strong enough to handle it, but today I am weak.  I am tired and sad and overwhelmed.  This is the first time ever that I have been home with the kids for the summer.

 It has only been a month and I am sooooooo ready for them to go back to school and me to go back to work.  I miss my schedule, I miss my quiet time, I miss grown up friends.  I just can't seem to get anything done.  The house is a mess, I think I forgot to comb Caitlyn's hair for two days and the caseworker is coming tomorrow to visit with Baby Boy (who is doing great!) and I haven't vacuumed in. uh..... I don't remember how long.

I am super concerned about the above mentioned 13 year old and how much longer I can take this (seriously at the end of today's rope) lying, stealing, hoarding, ummm shall we say inappropriate dress, language and action.  The dr. just started her on Zoloft two weeks ago in addition to everything else.  It was a low dose and I have seen no improvement, so today they upped her to double.  Scared about those side effects, but hoping something takes away her anger so I don't feel like I have to protect the other children from her.

Worried about my littles.  I hate spending so much time indoors, but it is way too hot to be outside for long and all they want to do is play Wii or watch tv. I am trying to be creative and keep them occupied (cheaply since I am unemployed) but I am not a good enough juggler to keep this circus running.

Lucky for me:


Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, 
    for his compassions never fail. 
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Sorry for this downer post, but I am trying to keep it real. someday I hope to look back, read this and praise God I survived.

The things we endure for our children

I am a wimp.  Plain and simple, I do not like pain and have a low tolerance for it(good thing I have never experienced childbirth) .  But I will endure a lot when it comes to one of these children I did not give birth to.

Today for example.  Baby boy had an EEG scheduled for 8:30 a.m.  Once all the electrodes were attached (all 25 of them) they wanted him to fall asleep.  Like you can make a baby go to sleep on command.  After 15 minutes of me laying half on top of this baby so he doesn't pull a plug and giving him a bottle, he is fussy and tired but not sleeping. My leg is trapped between the bed and guard rail, my left arm is growing weary of holding the bottle in an awkward position, and my right arm is going numb from leaning on it.  Finally, I told the tech that he is used to going to sleep as I hold him with a pacifier in his mouth.  So after some re=positioning,  I end up sitting on the bed holding him as he goes to sleep.  Now my back is killing me because there is no support for it.  I ask the tech how long the test is and she says only 1/2 an hour.

O.K., I am willing to be pinned, sore, tired, aching and numb for that long all for this sweet little boy. I will do whatever it takes.  :0)

Some Friday Fun

Yep, she's the Statue of Liberty

Looking at berries (or for poison ivy, i'm not sure)

We spent last Friday morning at Lincoln Memorial Gardens and walked through the woods and along the lake.  It was hot, but fun.

Summer

Today was the last day of school for Ben.  Kindergarten is over and now summer begins.  He is very excited but finished a little behind so he will be having a tutor come work with him a little each week. He has big plans for this summer including the water park, a vacation, playdates with a friend from school... I hope I can keep up!

Caitlyn finished up with preschool yesterday and if she had her way, she would have started kindergarten today. The girl loves school.  Litte momma is such a good girl and a great helper with baby boy (who we now call Bean.  long story.) 

Amanda finished.  not as well or as far as I would have liked or had planned, but there is no point in trying to get her to keep doing school if Ben & Caitlyn are home.  It would be one fight after another.  She is going to volunteer at the animal shelter this summer about 3 hours a week.  really gross, hot, smelly jobs she would never do at home.  I hope she makes new friends and learns something.  She is definitely headed back to school for 8th grade and I have a meeting set up for a tour with the special ed coordinator (who I really like)  I cannot even begin to guess how next year will go. *sigh*

Bean is growing so fast.  Visits have been cancelled already since mom has been a no show for four consecutive weeks.  If and when she shows up again, they will make arrangements but until then, no bi-weekly trips into town for me. (yay).  I found out that he did test positive for one substance at birth and I have no idea how that will affect him, but we will cross that when we get to it.  The caseworker told me they have court at the end of the month and she will call me after.... not getting my hopes up.

I am job hunting again.  I have enjoyed being home, but now it is time to get back to the grindstone, lol.  I have  a few leads, but I am just praying that God will put me in the right place and I am not stressing too much.

Until then, I have to think of something to do with four kids every day of summer!  Yikes!  Let the fun begin.

Visits...

Really?!  Is it so hard to see your baby 2 times a week for 1 hour?  When you live within walking distance?  When you confirm 1/2 hour before scheduled visit?    When you know he is changing in the blink of an eye and he is the most adorable child?

Grrrrr.  Can you tell I am upset?  I have been transporting Baby Boy for visits to the agency(since I am not working right now)  It helps them out since they are short on time and resources.  Sometimes I take Caitlyn with me and we go downtown for a walk or to Starbucks, just to kill some time. 
For the past two weeks, mom has been a no show.  I am wasting time and gas driving 20 minutes to get to his visit

Now, part of me says "yeah"  because visit days are rough for kids in foster care and rough days for them make rough days for me.  Also, in that deep down part of me where we don't visit, I think the more she doesn't show, the more chance I will get to keep him forever.  You see, I am falling a little bit in love with this sweet boy.

But, I also feel for this girl.  She has an amazing little man and she will regret not knowing him.  I want her to get her act together for her sake ( and sometimes his) but if history is any evidence, this will not happen.  Baby boy has a beautiful 2 year old sister that has been in care for most of her young life and is now on the adoption track.  sigh. 

I hate visit days.

What I have learned

Back in August when I left my job, I had a few goals in mind.. I wanted to finish my degree, homeschool Amanda, take more foster kids, get more involved with In His Hands Orphan and Adoption Ministry, and take on various projects around the house.

Here is what I have actually done:

• Finished my degree!  woo hoo! finally after 28 years I have my Bachelor's degree. :0)
• Homeschooled Amanda...sort of.  This has been by far the most difficult thing to do.  I will not dwell on the guilt and regret I have on what we did not get done and just be thankful that she and I both barely survived the ordeal.
• Got 1 new foster baby after 8 months of bugging the agency every other week letting them know I was home and available. They didn't even call me for respite!
• painted Ben's room and put up bunk beds.  painted the sunroom to turn it into Caitlyn's room.  rearranged bedrooms and furniture more times than I can count.

Here is what I learned:

• I'm pretty smart, work well under pressure, and I'm very glad I am done.
• I am not a good homeschooler....and neither is Amanda.  It is too hard to fight with her everyday and watch over her every minute to make sure she isn't cheating, stalling or playing solitaire when she is supposed to be working. 
• I am too old for babies.... lol. Baby Boy is really a dream baby. He eats well, sleeps well and is oh. so. adorable. But, after not having a baby, baby for 5 years it is hard to get back into the swing of things.
• I want to go back to work. I miss dressing up and wearing make-up and talking to grown-ups who don't argue with me all day.
• I have really enjoyed being home for Ben and Caitlyn and spending time with them, getting them on the bus, and being home on holidays.  I will miss them (mostly, lol)

So, what's next?  Well, now I look for a job.  It would be nice if I could time it to stay home for the summer, but I think I need to be realistic and I know it will take a while to find the right job.  Besides, Ben told me the other day.  "Mom, when you get a new job keep this one.  I like going to day care."