A New Baby...

No, we don't have one.  But Ben wants one. ;0)  that little boy is so sweet and funny!  Every few days he asks me for a new baby, a boy baby.  I ask him if  he just wants another boy to play with and why it has to be a baby.  To which he responds " you have to grow them".  little does he know...haha.   Yesteday he told me he needed a new baby and I needed to get the "baby bullet" so I could make baby food.  Clearly he has been watching too many informercials!  While a new baby is not in the plans, if I could have another boy just like him, I would take him in a heartbeat.

2011 Resolutions

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions.  I've failed at them too many times to set myself up again. There is always to lose weight and get fit, but those are goals all year long not just in January and I usually fail.  So I've been thinking about how I would like change myself and what i would like my year to be like. 
This year I want to give more.  More money to charity and people in need. More tithe.(I'm really bad at this)  More time.  More time to my kids for doing what they want, more time to help at church or at the kids' school. I want to give more.  I have gotten too comfortable with my life and focusing on my little circle of family and friend.  I am shamed and inspired by a few blogs I follow by young women serving God so faithfully and trustingly.  I have no idea what He wants me to do, but I want to be open to GIVE MORE this year.  i will try and keep this blog updatged when I am challenged and stretched in the coming year.

Would I do it all again?

I love my kids, I really do!  But lately I've been wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I do it again?  Being a parent is hard.  Being a single parent is harder still.  I know, I know, this is the life I chose but when I encounter these problems with my kids (Amanda in particular) I am not 100% sure I am the right parent for them.  Not that giving up is an option!  But still, when Amanda's therapist is talking about hospitalizing her for a psychiatric evaluation (at age 11) because she is threatening herself and others I don't know how I can handle it.  And it is likely to get worse.  the hoarding, the lying, the stealing, the defiance... I feel sick. She can be so sweet and helpful, when she chooses, and sometimes it lasts for a few days.  But most times it is one battle after another.
And then I think of my poor Ben.  Little man stuck with all these women.  How will that affect him?  I worry about his size. I want him to be able to be confident in himself and to be able to stick up for himself becasue I worry he will be teased because of he is so tiny.  He is so funny and sweet and my heart aches when I think of him hurting in any way.
And oh, my Cait.  funny, I don't really worry about her too much.  She is little and cute and very likely to stay that way. :-)  but I am such an old mom for her.  I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. What was I thinking?!  She is so strong willed and Amanda has taken all the fight out of me.  What's going to happen when Caitlyn gets older and I just don't have the energy.  I don't want her to be a spoiled brat. 
I know this post is very negative, but this is where I am at right now.  I used to be so sure that these adoptions were a blessing to me from God.  I was so sure that I could be a good mom.  I thought I would be better at it.  I love them, and my heart aches and my eyes tear up when I think of not having them.  We are so not what I wanted my family to be and I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe my next post will be more positive.

Wow, it's been a while!

I have no excuse really, other than being busy. but the holidays are here again and we have had a tough season.  Things are not going well for Amanda, I am struggling with my job and being a single mom and now i am taking classes to finish my bachelors degree (finally)Everyone has been healthy and  Ben and Cait are back in daycare since my live in help left on short notice.  My mom got a new job and now works evenings so she can't help with the kids.  i am feeling overwhelmed and anxious.  not the things I want to feel this special time of year. sigh.  I am trying to focus on trust ing God with all things, but I am feeling very alone and maybe having a pity party for myself.  so after the new year hopefully things will get better.  For now, here are my little darlings. 

the First day of school

School

Everyone is in school.  Amanda is in 6th grade this year.  I cannot believe it.  It has not been an easy start for her.  She struggles alot with turning things in and being prepared and being responsible.  I have already had a meeting with her teachers after 5 detentions in three weeks.  *sigh*  I am simply at my wits end.  We have had changes at home too.  My niece (who lives with us) who was helping me by watching the little kids and getting everyone on  and off the bus gave me very short notice that she got a job and couldn't do that anymore.  Needless to say, I was not very happy. 

So now Ben and Caitlyn are back in daycare.  They went back to the same place I had them before so they are comfortable and happy. I know everyone there and the routine so I am ok with it.  Except for the money I now have to shell out for daycare.  :0(  very bad.

But, Ben and Cait are also in pre-school this year.  Caitlyn goes to daycare at 7:30 am and the bus picks her up to go to the school at 7:55 am.  She gets back to daycare at 11 ish and stays the rest of the day.  She seems to like it very much and is really tired at the end of the day which I like come bedtime.
Ben goes to daycare in the morning and the bus picks him up at noon ish to take him to school and brings him back when school gets out.  He doesn't get a nap, so by bedtime he is exhausted.  Again, good for mommy.

I hate the new routine and would like a new job with better hours and more money, but so far that is not happening.  I am sad and frustrated and tired.  I am continually reminding myself that God will provide, but I am struggling financially and emotionally right now to see that happening.

Friends

Ben has a best friend. He has the same name, he goes everywhere with Ben and I mean everywhere. he eats dirt, sleeps outside, goes swimming with him., rides in the car. he is not however allowed to eat at the table or go inside church with us. And Benjamin Bear has been to the "eyeball tower"