12

This is what 12 looks like........ sigh.  Part little girl, part too grown up for her own good. Attitude. Helpful, jealous, DRAMA.  On the bright side, I pray alot more (lol)  

Snow Days

Tomorrow schools will be closed for the third day in a row.  I think that is a record for Rochester schools :-)  Fortunately, I work at a school which has also been closed for two days so I have  been able to stay home without taking personal time.  We have tried to keep busy and today managed to get outside for a little while and drive to the little market to buy milk.  The laundry got done, the homework didn't yet.  sigh.  Ben got to build, Caitlyn got to color, and when Amanda wasn't confined to her room, she got to watch tv and play outside and stay up a little later.  I took a nap.  But this staying home is wearing us out.  We are a go, go, go kind of family.  Even if we don't have anything to do, we run to Walmart on the weekends just to get out or to the mall or somewhere to get us out of the house.  And now the weather is supposed to turn super cold which means the little kids will have to stay in. Man I hope daycare is open tomorrow!  We did have some fun, but we are really ready for spring!

A New Baby...

No, we don't have one.  But Ben wants one. ;0)  that little boy is so sweet and funny!  Every few days he asks me for a new baby, a boy baby.  I ask him if  he just wants another boy to play with and why it has to be a baby.  To which he responds " you have to grow them".  little does he know...haha.   Yesteday he told me he needed a new baby and I needed to get the "baby bullet" so I could make baby food.  Clearly he has been watching too many informercials!  While a new baby is not in the plans, if I could have another boy just like him, I would take him in a heartbeat.

2011 Resolutions

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions.  I've failed at them too many times to set myself up again. There is always to lose weight and get fit, but those are goals all year long not just in January and I usually fail.  So I've been thinking about how I would like change myself and what i would like my year to be like. 
This year I want to give more.  More money to charity and people in need. More tithe.(I'm really bad at this)  More time.  More time to my kids for doing what they want, more time to help at church or at the kids' school. I want to give more.  I have gotten too comfortable with my life and focusing on my little circle of family and friend.  I am shamed and inspired by a few blogs I follow by young women serving God so faithfully and trustingly.  I have no idea what He wants me to do, but I want to be open to GIVE MORE this year.  i will try and keep this blog updatged when I am challenged and stretched in the coming year.

Would I do it all again?

I love my kids, I really do!  But lately I've been wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I do it again?  Being a parent is hard.  Being a single parent is harder still.  I know, I know, this is the life I chose but when I encounter these problems with my kids (Amanda in particular) I am not 100% sure I am the right parent for them.  Not that giving up is an option!  But still, when Amanda's therapist is talking about hospitalizing her for a psychiatric evaluation (at age 11) because she is threatening herself and others I don't know how I can handle it.  And it is likely to get worse.  the hoarding, the lying, the stealing, the defiance... I feel sick. She can be so sweet and helpful, when she chooses, and sometimes it lasts for a few days.  But most times it is one battle after another.
And then I think of my poor Ben.  Little man stuck with all these women.  How will that affect him?  I worry about his size. I want him to be able to be confident in himself and to be able to stick up for himself becasue I worry he will be teased because of he is so tiny.  He is so funny and sweet and my heart aches when I think of him hurting in any way.
And oh, my Cait.  funny, I don't really worry about her too much.  She is little and cute and very likely to stay that way. :-)  but I am such an old mom for her.  I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. What was I thinking?!  She is so strong willed and Amanda has taken all the fight out of me.  What's going to happen when Caitlyn gets older and I just don't have the energy.  I don't want her to be a spoiled brat. 
I know this post is very negative, but this is where I am at right now.  I used to be so sure that these adoptions were a blessing to me from God.  I was so sure that I could be a good mom.  I thought I would be better at it.  I love them, and my heart aches and my eyes tear up when I think of not having them.  We are so not what I wanted my family to be and I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe my next post will be more positive.

Wow, it's been a while!

I have no excuse really, other than being busy. but the holidays are here again and we have had a tough season.  Things are not going well for Amanda, I am struggling with my job and being a single mom and now i am taking classes to finish my bachelors degree (finally)Everyone has been healthy and  Ben and Cait are back in daycare since my live in help left on short notice.  My mom got a new job and now works evenings so she can't help with the kids.  i am feeling overwhelmed and anxious.  not the things I want to feel this special time of year. sigh.  I am trying to focus on trust ing God with all things, but I am feeling very alone and maybe having a pity party for myself.  so after the new year hopefully things will get better.  For now, here are my little darlings. 

the First day of school