Foster Care

I have been a foster parent for 12 years.  In those 12 years I have had 17 children come into my home.  Some of them for a few weeks, some for a few months, or a year and three forever.  I miss some of them so much and I think I always will.  I haven't had a placement for about 9 months, which has been ok since I have been busy with school and work and life in general.  I have been saying for the past year or so that when my license came up for renewal that I wouldn't renew.  Well guess what?  My license expires this fall.  Guess what else.  I am renewing my license.  I just don't feel like I am done being a foster parent.  I want more children in my house.  My kids (the little ones) love it when new kids come to play.  I also have recently found this amazing online group of foster parent bloggers and I have been so relieved to find in them a kindred spirit.  Someone who has been in the same trenches as me.  Finally, I feel like it is my way to serve God.  I can't do much, but I can love on his children.  So, I am going back into the trenches of foster care.  Stay tuned for related news

Epiphany - this is a long post.

Recently, I wrote a letter to a friend of mine.  I felt this need to express something so profound to her, as a dear friend, I knew she would understand.  I never mailed that letter to her because I thought I might share it here because a. she would read it here anyway and 2. it makes a good blog post for everyone to read. haha.  My posts of late have been depressing and sad, but I am in such a better place right now and here is why.
I have been a Christian for many years.  I love the Lord and I do try to learn and grow in my faith.  But recently, I had this light bulb moment.  It was almost as though I heard the words out loud from God Almighty himself and I burst into praise and tears.  Are you ready for it?...... God loves me.  Not just me in the sense that I am one of his children and he made us and loves us and all the things I have known for years, but GOD LOVES  ME!  I have known and believed for years that Christ died on the cross for my sin, I have accepted his sacrifice and  I get that. but here is the thing, that wasn't the last thing he did to show me he loves me.  It was the first and by far the most important thing, but not the last.  Suddenly I get it and man, oh man, do I love him. When I look back over the years, the things I complained about or wasn't happy with, I now see as gifts from him.  My children, these three amazing, difficult, wonderful children.  Out of 17 foster kids, he chose to bless me with these three forver!  My single status has been a thorn in my side for yers, but now I see it as God saying to me " I love you too much to see you settle for less than my best"  I mean who's gonna love me like HIM?  My job, which I like ok, I chose it rather than take a risk that I felt I was called to do but was too afraid, God provided for me because he knew I was afraid . These past few weeks have been so different, so clear and full of JOY, I feel so free because I know nothing will separate me from this love.
So there it is for the world to see.  God loves me and nothing could make me happier.  I want to step out in faith now and see where God will lead me.  I am free to follow him with no fear because he loves me.  Pray for me in the coming months, I think there are radical changes ahead for us. :0)

Blessings

A few months ago I found out that because Ben & Cait's adoptions were finalized in 2010 and they were considered "special needs" adoptions, I am going to be the recipient of a rather large tax refund.  When I say large, I mean it will allow me to be debt free.  Yes, DEBT FREE!  This is huge!  This is answered prayer, I wondered why their adoptions took so long, God really knew what he was doing, I almost can't believe it, huge.  So, this amazing blessing (when the amendment to my taxes actually files)  leads me to wonder what exactly I should be prepared for.  It gives me such amazing freedom.  Freedom from the 8-5 grind, freedom to pursue a ministry opportunity I have been thinking about for years, freedom to serve God with abandon.(which I should be doing anyway, but I worry so much about the future)  I'm nervous.  I feel like God has something planned for me, something drastic. something my small brain will not be able imagine.... or maybe I'm just imagining things.  that's the problem, I just don't know.

And so, I wait and pray. and pray and wait.  Your prayers (whoever you are :-)  would be greatly appreciated as well. 

My princess

This girl is four years old today.  Every year I think back to what it was like when I found her.  Here is the story.  I knew her birthmother was pregnant since she was about 2 months along and still visiting with Ben (sporadically)  I knew the chances were good that she would have this baby placed into foster care since she has a long history with DCFS and Ben was still an open case.  I asked the caseworker every so often when she was due and what she was having.  He told me that she said she was due in May and she was having a girl.  Something deep inside me kept saying "April"  I don't know, maybe the voice of God. LOL.  but for a few months, I kept hearing April as her due month, I knew she was lying to the caseworker to buy time.  I happened to know where she was living at the time and it happened to be on my way to Wal-mart, so one day I just turned and lo and behold, there she was walking down to road in the rain, HUGELY pregnant.  I called the caseworker when I got back to work and told him I saw her and she was due not in May, but any time.
about 2 weeks after I saw her, she had the baby.  Now here is where it gets interesting.  I have a friend who had twins on April 10 so on April 12, I was on the hospital website looking for pictures of her boys.  suddenly i saw this baby girl and I knew it was her!  I did a little double checking and even called the hospital and asked for her birthmother by name, (yes, I am ashamed to say we hung up when she answered).  I notified the caseworker who did what he needed to do, and a few weeks later on May 15, my baby girl came home!  I drove around for a month with her carseat in my van and had her bag packed.  I just knew, that when the time was right, she would come home to me.  God has amazing timing.
Caitlyn Amelia Joy is such a blessing and we all love her very much.  Happy Birthday to my Princess!

I can't.........

When I put my mind to something I really want to do, I truly feel that I will accomplish it.  I wanted to adopt.  Things didn't go the way I planned originally, but I did adopt.  If I wanted a new job, I simply got a new one.  I thought it would be a good idea to buy a house, by myself, and I did it.  But for the past few years, nothing has gone like that.  I started a job that I initially loved, I was good at it.  but then a year into it something went terribly wrong.  It turned into a nightmare with a boss who berated and threatened me.  Sad thing is, I see him at church almost every Sunday.  We moved to Rochester thinking that the schools would be so great for Amanda.  It really has not worked out that way.  I don't love the schools, I don't love the church we go to (I like it, but there is no real connection for me). I quit my job thinking I would open a home daycare for a few years, but chickened out and took a job that I like but don't love.  I wanted to finish my degree, so I started taking classes again.  I don't like it, I am not doing as well as I would like and I just don't have enough time for anything.  I feel like I am failing at everything.  I remember a time when I felt JOY, not just happiness, but true God given, Holy Spirit JOY.  I don't know what happened to it, I don't know how to get it back.  I don't know what to do..........I feel like I am stuck  and treading water just waiting for I don't know what...

12

This is what 12 looks like........ sigh.  Part little girl, part too grown up for her own good. Attitude. Helpful, jealous, DRAMA.  On the bright side, I pray alot more (lol)  

Snow Days

Tomorrow schools will be closed for the third day in a row.  I think that is a record for Rochester schools :-)  Fortunately, I work at a school which has also been closed for two days so I have  been able to stay home without taking personal time.  We have tried to keep busy and today managed to get outside for a little while and drive to the little market to buy milk.  The laundry got done, the homework didn't yet.  sigh.  Ben got to build, Caitlyn got to color, and when Amanda wasn't confined to her room, she got to watch tv and play outside and stay up a little later.  I took a nap.  But this staying home is wearing us out.  We are a go, go, go kind of family.  Even if we don't have anything to do, we run to Walmart on the weekends just to get out or to the mall or somewhere to get us out of the house.  And now the weather is supposed to turn super cold which means the little kids will have to stay in. Man I hope daycare is open tomorrow!  We did have some fun, but we are really ready for spring!