Wonderful

We had a wonderful Christmas.  My kids are so great and appreciative of everthing they get.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard, "Thank you for getting me ____, mommy!" and hugs and kisses, I was so proud of all three of them.  It was not a big Christmas since our life situation has made some interesting changes this year, but they were so happy with everything.  It does a momma good to hear such things from her kiddos.

But now, I am so over it.  Christmas I mean. Well, at least the decorations.  I started un-decorating yesterday, only two days after.  There have been times in the past when our tree stayed up until February!  I think this year since I am home more, it is getting old. :0)

So I am going to spend the rest of the week taking things down, putting them away and organizing new toys and getting ready for the new year.  more on New Year and all that entails coming up soon.

tis the season

Sunday Morning

I wish I could say it was a quiet lazy kind of morning. but it's not.  I was up around 6:30 and Ben was soon to follow.  He is up with the sun that boy!  And learning how to whisper is a skill yet to be mastered.  As I showered, he lay on my bed watching tv, normally a no-no in the mornings.  Caitlyn made it up about 20 mins later.  Oh my morning children.  Now, at 8:15, they have had breakfast and are playing (rather loudly) with each other.  :-) 
We are off to church in about 45 mins.... if I can get Amanda up an moving.  Ha!  my preteen is not the best in the mornings, to say the very least.
I love them anyway.
Pictures to follow this afternoon

Nothing yet...

Well, it has been 2 days and I haven't heard anything about the new little ones so I am assuming they are not coming.  Annoying but typical.

New littles..... maybe

So after 15 months, I get a call from Catholic Charities asking me if I will take a placement.  ?What?  I thought they were out of the foster care game?

Backing up to yesterday, CC called and asked me to reconsider transferring my license and let me know what my other options were.  Really?  You couldn't have let me know this a month ago? Sigh*  Anyway, I told them I would give them until the first of the year before I made any decision about transferring. 

So at 3:30 this afternoon they call and ask if I can take 3 (!)  wee ones aged 6, 5 &3.  Two boys, one girl.  I talked to my mom and my kids and we agreed we could do it.  My Benny does love to have other  boys to play with :-)  He is such a sweet, compassionate boy.  So I scurry about trying to get things in order and beds set up and thinking about car seats, etc...

Then the phone rings again and they tell me that the DCFS hotline may not get someone out there tonight, so the kids probably won't come until tomorrow.  Again, REALLY!?  The situation warrants a call to the hotline, but not important enough to get someone out there tonight?  Oh, did I mention, these babies have been in care and just got placed back in their home recently?  Poor, babies.  So, tonight I will keep preparing and praying for them.  Updates to follow.

Waiting

I feel like I am always waiting.  I don't like waiting.  Waiting for the right guy, waiting for the right job, for the license, for the kids before I got them, for the kids now that I have them, for a sign that I am doing the right thing, to hear from God (again), for the right guy, for something truely amazing to happen to me.... the list goes on and on.

Most days I am ok with the wait knowing that God's timing is better than mine.  But some days, I just want to act impulsively just so something happens.  I don't anymore because I have seen the foolishness of this urge.

But there are days, oh. those. days., when I second guess every decision I have ever made, when the waiting is unbearable.  That "right" guy, he's not coming and it kills me that my kids won't know what it's like to have a dad.  That "right" job, well since I quit my job to stay home and homeschool Amanda and run a home daycare, I am not sure that is ever going to happen either.  and no, I am not sure that this was the best idea, but I didn't really have a choice if I think about the alternative which just wasn't working. 

That sign from God?  I am pursuing Him for that.  I have been reading (trying to read) a book by Pricilla Shirer called "Discerning the Voice of God", which is what I am trying to do.  I read and pray, and pray and read and yes, WAIT.  uuuggghh!  I hate waiting.  But really,what other choice do I have?

It's been a long month

I can't believe November is over.  Tomorrow is December 1st and I have so little to show for the last month.  I am still home.  Homeschooling has been a challenge and I am still trying to work out the kinks in our schedule.  Since I have to get up so early to get Ben off on the bus, I would like Amanda to get up and get going in the mornings.  That is not working.  She has been getting up between 9 and 10 and then lazes about for a while and we haven't been starting school until after Caitlyn leave on the bus at 12:30.  This does seem to be working better.  Amanda seems ready to start later and works pretty much straight through the afternoon.  I have to adjust my expectations and my schedule, but I think it is working.
I am re-evaluating my curriculum too.  I don't really like all of it and after the first of the year I think I will switch out the science.  I just don't feel like she is learning anything.  sigh

It may be that I homeschool Ben next year too. At his first parent teacher conference, his teacher is concerned with his attention skills and fine motor skills.   *sigh*  I am not going through all that again with him.  I think Caitlyn will do fine in school. she is a pleaser and likes to sit and listen and do papers.  all the things a teacher loves in a student , lol.  she is a smart one too.  I hope to have her reading by the time she goes to kindergarten.  we'll see.

I have not started my home daycare yet, I am still waiting for my license to come in.  I hit a snag and got delayed a little bit, but hopefully before the end of the year, I can start advertising.  My savings in shrinking, but I am confident that God will provide.  I am not panicking or looking for a job, I am content to wait on the Lord to show me what he has in store for me.  I truly love being home with Ben and Caitlyn after school and on holidays.  I feel like I am finally giving them the time they deserve and they are not being raised by a day care staff.

I had to switch my foster care license to another agency since Catholic Charities is getting out of the foster care arena.  Sad.  I have been home for 3 months and could have taken kids right away!  I am bummed, but again I trust in God's timing.  I still want to do foster care, I think me being home is the perfect opportunity to continue and take little ones.  I am hoping for babies. :-)

Well, with Christmas right around the corner, it is time to start thinking about how I am going to manage that.  More to come.

Happy Halloween!

I know I am a bit late in posting, but as usual in my life, I have too much to do.  I am 6 months away from finishing my degree (after 27 years!) and homework is heavy.  I am such a procrastinator that I spend most late nights and weekends just playing catch up.  Halloween was fun for the kids.  We went to a party on Friday night before and on the 31st, we made a quick trip around the block and were done.  I am not very excited about Halloween.  It is just too much effort for me and I hate having all that candy in the house. The kids are whinier and so am I.  Good thing it only comes once a year, right?!
I am still at home, waiting for my home daycare license to arrive so I can open for business.  I plan on running my daycare for the next two years while homeschooling Amanda, finishing my degree and being home after school and holidays with Ben and Caitlyn.  I am still a foster parent, but have not had a placement in so long and now Catholic Charities may be getting out of the foster care business. (long story involving the my dumb state)  I want to keep a few spaces open because I would like to be a foster parent for a few more years.
that sums it up for this month.  I am looking forward to the upcoming holidays and making memories with my kids and being so lucky in this season to be home with them. 

Busy busy

Change.  That is what life is about right?  Well I have been making some big changes around here.  First, i quit my job... again.  It isn't that i didn't like my job but something radical needed to be done.  So I quit, mostly to homeschool Amanda.  So far it has gone pretty well.  I asked her today if she liked it and she said yes.  We will see how long that lasts.  I am waiting for my home daycare license to come so I can start providing care for a few kids.  On top of that, I renewed my foster care license with Catholic Charities.  The bad thing is, I am not sure they will be in business very much longer.  *sigh*  I really have some longings for new wee ones.  It has been a year since my last placement. :-(  I found out that after my last placement, the licensing person put me on "hold"  for new placements!  I was not happy.  I told her I could take one at a time, but no more since I was working full time and the job was not very flexible.    But since I am home full time, now would be the perfect time to use me for babies who aren't old enough for day care.  (Oh, how I want a baby)  I am not sure exactly when the Catholic Charities issue will be resolved (that is a long story)  but I keep praying every day for a new placement.  Ben and Caitlyn are both so very good with little kids and Amanda has been improving in her willingess and helpfulness with the little kids.  I am anxiously waiting and praying....

  while I have been waiting I have been painting.  I painted Ben's room and pulled off trim in the front room and fixed a few patches where I pulled paint off th wall.  Ha ha, don't ask!  Ben likes his room and now he has bunk beds (perfect for more kids) and lots of room to play on the floor... and maybe even enough room for a crib...

The good, the bad and the ugly...

It has been a wild few weeks!  To start with, I quit my job.  yep,  I did it.  I had only been there for 2 years, but i didn't love it and I have many more important things on my mind. 
#1 Amanda - since last school year was dismal, this year I thought I would do something radical and homeschool her.  We started last week. We are adjusting.  Some days she is compliant... some days not. so. much.  She wants to be in control and we all know that's not gonna happen!
#2 Me - I am trying to finish my degree and I have so much homework and papers and everything, I cannot fit it all in to one day. 
#3 Also me - I want to continue being a foster parent and I can't really take any placements when I have to work and/or study all the time.  I had a licensing visit today with Catholic Charities ( and that is another whole dilemma)  Hopefully things will work out and I will soon get a baby (or two) :-)
# 4 Ben - Kindergarten is off with a bang.  I love being able to get him on the bus and be home when he gets off the bus.  I love being able to be outside with him and play and be home on no-school days. 
#5 Caitlyn - I am hoping that by being with me more, which she loves, her  bad habit of screaming and throwing tantrums would get under control.  No luck on that yet *sigh*
I have been gone from work almost a month and I don't feel too panicky yet.  I have some money saved and I have subsidy money coming in so I am staying afloat financially but i will need income soon.  The funny thing is I am NOT worried.  I have said from the first that I TRUST GOD to provide.  I am trusting him and trying to be obedient and I don't feel worried (yet, lol)

School

Well, it's that time again.  Summer is over and school has begun.  We are trying something a little different this year.  My little man went off on the school bus to kindergarten.  I was nervous, but I didn't cry.  Then a few hours later, the wee girl got on the bus to go off to preschool. She gets to go in the afternoon this year.  The day passed quickly, and soon enough they were hopping off the bus and ready to play.  the thing that is different?  I am home to put them on the bus and get them off the bus and I will be homeschooling Amanda.  Last year was a disaster for her.  Academically, socially, emotionally.  So I followed the prompting I felt in my heart and I left my job.  Crazy I know.  I have applied (again) for a home day care license and will take a few kids during the day.  I have also started some online research for a business I am interested in.  I am also completing my bachelors degree and renewing my foster care license.  So far, three days in it is going well.  I got Amanda's curriculum today and can't wait to dig into that.  Until then, I am painting Ben's room and getting the house set up.  Crazy, different, but good.

Vacation

Last week I took the kids on vacation.... just the three and me.  I have never taken all the kids on a vacation by myself before.  I usually take my mom along for some help and relief, but this year I figured A was big enough to help out and B and C were big enough to listen and not need to be carried everywhere and everyone is potty trained (haha)
We had a great time in Branson, MO.  The six hour trip down there was easy, no major problems or delays.  We stayed in a nice hotel right on the strip with two pools.  The kids got to swim every day, although we chose the indoor pool since at the outdoor pool Ben got about 20 bug bites.  By the day we left, they were jumping in over their heads.  We went to Silver Dollar City and the Dixie Stampede and every place else we could think of. 

On the day before we left, we headed up to Nixa, MO to see my dear friend Kristi and her family.  I haven't seen Kristi in about 15 years.  What fun to be with someone like you never left them.  We are kindred spirits she and I. :0)  The kids had fun just playing in the park even though it was ridiculously hot.  This vacation went so well, I may take them on another one next year.

Foster Care

I have been a foster parent for 12 years.  In those 12 years I have had 17 children come into my home.  Some of them for a few weeks, some for a few months, or a year and three forever.  I miss some of them so much and I think I always will.  I haven't had a placement for about 9 months, which has been ok since I have been busy with school and work and life in general.  I have been saying for the past year or so that when my license came up for renewal that I wouldn't renew.  Well guess what?  My license expires this fall.  Guess what else.  I am renewing my license.  I just don't feel like I am done being a foster parent.  I want more children in my house.  My kids (the little ones) love it when new kids come to play.  I also have recently found this amazing online group of foster parent bloggers and I have been so relieved to find in them a kindred spirit.  Someone who has been in the same trenches as me.  Finally, I feel like it is my way to serve God.  I can't do much, but I can love on his children.  So, I am going back into the trenches of foster care.  Stay tuned for related news

Epiphany - this is a long post.

Recently, I wrote a letter to a friend of mine.  I felt this need to express something so profound to her, as a dear friend, I knew she would understand.  I never mailed that letter to her because I thought I might share it here because a. she would read it here anyway and 2. it makes a good blog post for everyone to read. haha.  My posts of late have been depressing and sad, but I am in such a better place right now and here is why.
I have been a Christian for many years.  I love the Lord and I do try to learn and grow in my faith.  But recently, I had this light bulb moment.  It was almost as though I heard the words out loud from God Almighty himself and I burst into praise and tears.  Are you ready for it?...... God loves me.  Not just me in the sense that I am one of his children and he made us and loves us and all the things I have known for years, but GOD LOVES  ME!  I have known and believed for years that Christ died on the cross for my sin, I have accepted his sacrifice and  I get that. but here is the thing, that wasn't the last thing he did to show me he loves me.  It was the first and by far the most important thing, but not the last.  Suddenly I get it and man, oh man, do I love him. When I look back over the years, the things I complained about or wasn't happy with, I now see as gifts from him.  My children, these three amazing, difficult, wonderful children.  Out of 17 foster kids, he chose to bless me with these three forver!  My single status has been a thorn in my side for yers, but now I see it as God saying to me " I love you too much to see you settle for less than my best"  I mean who's gonna love me like HIM?  My job, which I like ok, I chose it rather than take a risk that I felt I was called to do but was too afraid, God provided for me because he knew I was afraid . These past few weeks have been so different, so clear and full of JOY, I feel so free because I know nothing will separate me from this love.
So there it is for the world to see.  God loves me and nothing could make me happier.  I want to step out in faith now and see where God will lead me.  I am free to follow him with no fear because he loves me.  Pray for me in the coming months, I think there are radical changes ahead for us. :0)

Blessings

A few months ago I found out that because Ben & Cait's adoptions were finalized in 2010 and they were considered "special needs" adoptions, I am going to be the recipient of a rather large tax refund.  When I say large, I mean it will allow me to be debt free.  Yes, DEBT FREE!  This is huge!  This is answered prayer, I wondered why their adoptions took so long, God really knew what he was doing, I almost can't believe it, huge.  So, this amazing blessing (when the amendment to my taxes actually files)  leads me to wonder what exactly I should be prepared for.  It gives me such amazing freedom.  Freedom from the 8-5 grind, freedom to pursue a ministry opportunity I have been thinking about for years, freedom to serve God with abandon.(which I should be doing anyway, but I worry so much about the future)  I'm nervous.  I feel like God has something planned for me, something drastic. something my small brain will not be able imagine.... or maybe I'm just imagining things.  that's the problem, I just don't know.

And so, I wait and pray. and pray and wait.  Your prayers (whoever you are :-)  would be greatly appreciated as well. 

My princess

This girl is four years old today.  Every year I think back to what it was like when I found her.  Here is the story.  I knew her birthmother was pregnant since she was about 2 months along and still visiting with Ben (sporadically)  I knew the chances were good that she would have this baby placed into foster care since she has a long history with DCFS and Ben was still an open case.  I asked the caseworker every so often when she was due and what she was having.  He told me that she said she was due in May and she was having a girl.  Something deep inside me kept saying "April"  I don't know, maybe the voice of God. LOL.  but for a few months, I kept hearing April as her due month, I knew she was lying to the caseworker to buy time.  I happened to know where she was living at the time and it happened to be on my way to Wal-mart, so one day I just turned and lo and behold, there she was walking down to road in the rain, HUGELY pregnant.  I called the caseworker when I got back to work and told him I saw her and she was due not in May, but any time.
about 2 weeks after I saw her, she had the baby.  Now here is where it gets interesting.  I have a friend who had twins on April 10 so on April 12, I was on the hospital website looking for pictures of her boys.  suddenly i saw this baby girl and I knew it was her!  I did a little double checking and even called the hospital and asked for her birthmother by name, (yes, I am ashamed to say we hung up when she answered).  I notified the caseworker who did what he needed to do, and a few weeks later on May 15, my baby girl came home!  I drove around for a month with her carseat in my van and had her bag packed.  I just knew, that when the time was right, she would come home to me.  God has amazing timing.
Caitlyn Amelia Joy is such a blessing and we all love her very much.  Happy Birthday to my Princess!

I can't.........

When I put my mind to something I really want to do, I truly feel that I will accomplish it.  I wanted to adopt.  Things didn't go the way I planned originally, but I did adopt.  If I wanted a new job, I simply got a new one.  I thought it would be a good idea to buy a house, by myself, and I did it.  But for the past few years, nothing has gone like that.  I started a job that I initially loved, I was good at it.  but then a year into it something went terribly wrong.  It turned into a nightmare with a boss who berated and threatened me.  Sad thing is, I see him at church almost every Sunday.  We moved to Rochester thinking that the schools would be so great for Amanda.  It really has not worked out that way.  I don't love the schools, I don't love the church we go to (I like it, but there is no real connection for me). I quit my job thinking I would open a home daycare for a few years, but chickened out and took a job that I like but don't love.  I wanted to finish my degree, so I started taking classes again.  I don't like it, I am not doing as well as I would like and I just don't have enough time for anything.  I feel like I am failing at everything.  I remember a time when I felt JOY, not just happiness, but true God given, Holy Spirit JOY.  I don't know what happened to it, I don't know how to get it back.  I don't know what to do..........I feel like I am stuck  and treading water just waiting for I don't know what...

12

This is what 12 looks like........ sigh.  Part little girl, part too grown up for her own good. Attitude. Helpful, jealous, DRAMA.  On the bright side, I pray alot more (lol)  

Snow Days

Tomorrow schools will be closed for the third day in a row.  I think that is a record for Rochester schools :-)  Fortunately, I work at a school which has also been closed for two days so I have  been able to stay home without taking personal time.  We have tried to keep busy and today managed to get outside for a little while and drive to the little market to buy milk.  The laundry got done, the homework didn't yet.  sigh.  Ben got to build, Caitlyn got to color, and when Amanda wasn't confined to her room, she got to watch tv and play outside and stay up a little later.  I took a nap.  But this staying home is wearing us out.  We are a go, go, go kind of family.  Even if we don't have anything to do, we run to Walmart on the weekends just to get out or to the mall or somewhere to get us out of the house.  And now the weather is supposed to turn super cold which means the little kids will have to stay in. Man I hope daycare is open tomorrow!  We did have some fun, but we are really ready for spring!

A New Baby...

No, we don't have one.  But Ben wants one. ;0)  that little boy is so sweet and funny!  Every few days he asks me for a new baby, a boy baby.  I ask him if  he just wants another boy to play with and why it has to be a baby.  To which he responds " you have to grow them".  little does he know...haha.   Yesteday he told me he needed a new baby and I needed to get the "baby bullet" so I could make baby food.  Clearly he has been watching too many informercials!  While a new baby is not in the plans, if I could have another boy just like him, I would take him in a heartbeat.

2011 Resolutions

I don't normally make New Year's resolutions.  I've failed at them too many times to set myself up again. There is always to lose weight and get fit, but those are goals all year long not just in January and I usually fail.  So I've been thinking about how I would like change myself and what i would like my year to be like. 
This year I want to give more.  More money to charity and people in need. More tithe.(I'm really bad at this)  More time.  More time to my kids for doing what they want, more time to help at church or at the kids' school. I want to give more.  I have gotten too comfortable with my life and focusing on my little circle of family and friend.  I am shamed and inspired by a few blogs I follow by young women serving God so faithfully and trustingly.  I have no idea what He wants me to do, but I want to be open to GIVE MORE this year.  i will try and keep this blog updatged when I am challenged and stretched in the coming year.