I love my kids, I really do! But lately I've been wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I do it again? Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is harder still. I know, I know, this is the life I chose but when I encounter these problems with my kids (Amanda in particular) I am not 100% sure I am the right parent for them. Not that giving up is an option! But still, when Amanda's therapist is talking about hospitalizing her for a psychiatric evaluation (at age 11) because she is threatening herself and others I don't know how I can handle it. And it is likely to get worse. the hoarding, the lying, the stealing, the defiance... I feel sick. She can be so sweet and helpful, when she chooses, and sometimes it lasts for a few days. But most times it is one battle after another.
And then I think of my poor Ben. Little man stuck with all these women. How will that affect him? I worry about his size. I want him to be able to be confident in himself and to be able to stick up for himself becasue I worry he will be teased because of he is so tiny. He is so funny and sweet and my heart aches when I think of him hurting in any way.
And oh, my Cait. funny, I don't really worry about her too much. She is little and cute and very likely to stay that way. :-) but I am such an old mom for her. I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. What was I thinking?! She is so strong willed and Amanda has taken all the fight out of me. What's going to happen when Caitlyn gets older and I just don't have the energy. I don't want her to be a spoiled brat.
I know this post is very negative, but this is where I am at right now. I used to be so sure that these adoptions were a blessing to me from God. I was so sure that I could be a good mom. I thought I would be better at it. I love them, and my heart aches and my eyes tear up when I think of not having them. We are so not what I wanted my family to be and I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe my next post will be more positive.
Monday, December 20, 2010
I have no excuse really, other than being busy. but the holidays are here again and we have had a tough season. Things are not going well for Amanda, I am struggling with my job and being a single mom and now i am taking classes to finish my bachelors degree (finally)Everyone has been healthy and Ben and Cait are back in daycare since my live in help left on short notice. My mom got a new job and now works evenings so she can't help with the kids. i am feeling overwhelmed and anxious. not the things I want to feel this special time of year. sigh. I am trying to focus on trust ing God with all things, but I am feeling very alone and maybe having a pity party for myself. so after the new year hopefully things will get better. For now, here are my little darlings.