Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Would I do it all again?

I love my kids, I really do!  But lately I've been wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I do it again?  Being a parent is hard.  Being a single parent is harder still.  I know, I know, this is the life I chose but when I encounter these problems with my kids (Amanda in particular) I am not 100% sure I am the right parent for them.  Not that giving up is an option!  But still, when Amanda's therapist is talking about hospitalizing her for a psychiatric evaluation (at age 11) because she is threatening herself and others I don't know how I can handle it.  And it is likely to get worse.  the hoarding, the lying, the stealing, the defiance... I feel sick. She can be so sweet and helpful, when she chooses, and sometimes it lasts for a few days.  But most times it is one battle after another.
And then I think of my poor Ben.  Little man stuck with all these women.  How will that affect him?  I worry about his size. I want him to be able to be confident in himself and to be able to stick up for himself becasue I worry he will be teased because of he is so tiny.  He is so funny and sweet and my heart aches when I think of him hurting in any way.
And oh, my Cait.  funny, I don't really worry about her too much.  She is little and cute and very likely to stay that way. :-)  but I am such an old mom for her.  I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. What was I thinking?!  She is so strong willed and Amanda has taken all the fight out of me.  What's going to happen when Caitlyn gets older and I just don't have the energy.  I don't want her to be a spoiled brat. 
I know this post is very negative, but this is where I am at right now.  I used to be so sure that these adoptions were a blessing to me from God.  I was so sure that I could be a good mom.  I thought I would be better at it.  I love them, and my heart aches and my eyes tear up when I think of not having them.  We are so not what I wanted my family to be and I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe my next post will be more positive.

1 comment:

  1. Barbie...
    I am sitting here sobbing. Sobbing because I know JUST how you feel. Sobbing because we really will NEVER be exactly what our kids needs us to be for them...
    Which is why we must depend on the grace the Lord grants us each day...to be their mamas.
    He has picked you...dear friend, to be their mama. YOU...because HE had a plan for them, and for you. And even though it sounds kind of crazy and backward...I honestly think we end up with the kids we have because WE have something HE wants us to learn from THEM.

    Ok..time to go clean myself up...and the keyboard needs a good disinfecting now that I have slobbered all over it....