I love my kids, I really do! But lately I've been wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I do it again? Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is harder still. I know, I know, this is the life I chose but when I encounter these problems with my kids (Amanda in particular) I am not 100% sure I am the right parent for them. Not that giving up is an option! But still, when Amanda's therapist is talking about hospitalizing her for a psychiatric evaluation (at age 11) because she is threatening herself and others I don't know how I can handle it. And it is likely to get worse. the hoarding, the lying, the stealing, the defiance... I feel sick. She can be so sweet and helpful, when she chooses, and sometimes it lasts for a few days. But most times it is one battle after another.
And then I think of my poor Ben. Little man stuck with all these women. How will that affect him? I worry about his size. I want him to be able to be confident in himself and to be able to stick up for himself becasue I worry he will be teased because of he is so tiny. He is so funny and sweet and my heart aches when I think of him hurting in any way.
And oh, my Cait. funny, I don't really worry about her too much. She is little and cute and very likely to stay that way. :-) but I am such an old mom for her. I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. What was I thinking?! She is so strong willed and Amanda has taken all the fight out of me. What's going to happen when Caitlyn gets older and I just don't have the energy. I don't want her to be a spoiled brat.
I know this post is very negative, but this is where I am at right now. I used to be so sure that these adoptions were a blessing to me from God. I was so sure that I could be a good mom. I thought I would be better at it. I love them, and my heart aches and my eyes tear up when I think of not having them. We are so not what I wanted my family to be and I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe my next post will be more positive.
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